god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
