made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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