Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
