Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
