were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
