So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
