She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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