My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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