why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
