I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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