you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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