The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
