yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
