I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
