my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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