i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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