I wish life had little blips of pornography
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize