and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
