Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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