it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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