I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
