see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize