Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
