When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
