I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
