I cannot find my penis.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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