A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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