I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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