Someone shit on the floor
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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