I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
