He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
