I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
