I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
