I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
