I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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