finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
