I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
