I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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