How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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