omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
