i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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