I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
