How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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