lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
