Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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