Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
