I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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