my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
