A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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