she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
