the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
