Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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