I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
