The maid of honor just puked.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
