I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
