I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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